Monthly Archives: November 2011

Lily’s birth story

Standard

Before I even start, I would like to say a few things.

A few months ago, I could not have sat down and typed this out. A few months ago, I was so upset about Lily’s birth that I would yell and cry. I’ve become so much more educated now that I became angry that Lily’s birth went the way it did.

However, before and during Lily’s birth, I was fine. I was happy. Lily’s birth went exactly as I had thought it would.

I can write this story now because I have moved past my negative feelings. I’m going to try to keep this as positive as possible. I’m sure a negative version of it will come out sooner or later.

And this will be graphic(if you’re a sissy) so BEWARE 🙂

Taken a week before Lily was born. My mom insisted that I walk on the treadmill to get this baby going...so I walked slowy and ate pizza.

It all started at about 1:30AM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2010. This was my ‘due date’.  I was alone, in my bedroom, with the dog. Matt was in Basis Training, so he was in Missouri. I had went to bed at a regular time, feeling totally normal and happy. I was happy throughout the entire pregnancy for her- I felt great. I was never uncomfortable! But I digress.

I woke up because I thought I had peed my pants. Or my water had broken. Either way, I felt WET. Gross. So I got out of bed and stood up. As I did that, I felt something slimy roll down my leg. Literally. It scared the shit out of me. What the hell was that?! I had to walk over to my light to turn it on, only to freak out for a second because that wet feeling I had…was blood. Everywhere. My shorts and underwear were soaked. My bed was soaked. My blanket was soaked. Imagine how freaked out I was!! No one has ever sad, hey, you might bleed when you’re in labor. I had never read anything about that. I had read about your ‘bloody show’ and your ‘mucus plug’. Sure. But I assumed those were one-time things. Not for me. I bled heavily for six weeks. Boo.

And that weird thing that rolled down my leg? A GIANT SCARY BLOOD CLOT. I thought it was my mucus plug because I had never in my life seen a blood clot. Especially one that was the size of a chicken cutlet. I mean, imagine a golf bowl flattened sort of. It was huge. Dark purpley. Yeah.

So I grabbed some baby wipes and stripped, cleaning myself up, and threw my thought-to-be-mucus-plug in the trash. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t my mucus plug until months after having Lily. I didn’t exactly describe it to anyone. I just said that I lost my mucus plug. Hm. Someone might have freaked out a little.

I got dressed and went downstairs. I was shaking! I was more nervous about waking my mother up than of actually giving birth. She was asleep on the couch. I tapped her, saying “Are you ready to have a baby?” I got a groggy “what?” and told her what had happened in a quick way. I told her that I wasn’t having any contractions and I wasn’t in pain, and to go back to sleep.

My last pregnant picture! Taken six days before her birth.

Then I got back into my bed. (I obviously changed the sheets and blankets and such.) I tried to fall back to sleep but couldn’t. Twenty minutes after I laid down, I felt my first real contraction. I say ‘real’ because I had been having light Braxton Hicks contractions for months. It just felt like a weak cramp, similar to menstrual cramps. I had seriously painful cramps, so this was nothing. I tried to sleep. Before I knew it, I was waking up every 15 minutes until 4:30AM. Nothing intense, just uncomfortable. I went downstairs and got myself something to eat. I sat in the kitchen, alone, until about 5:30AM when my mother got up. She usually is up at this time. My step-father came down and we told him today was baby day! Yay! He went back to sleep. My mother and I chatted and picked at our breakfast until 7:00AM, when I finally felt it was okay to call Matt’s mother, Janet. I didn’t want to wake her, but I also knew she had wanted to be there for everything. So I called, and she said she would get ready and be over. She got to our house at about 8:30AM.

And we all just hung out. Bored. I was having contractions, yes, but they weren’t that bad. Just achey. I was so nervous. By 10:30AM they got a little closer- about 6 to 7 minutes apart. I know for others this is about the time to start heading for the hospital, especially if it’s a half an hour drive. But I felt fine, so I assumed we had a ton of time and I wasn’t too concerned. I called my doctor’s office, who had an answering service talk to me. The woman got my information and said she would have a nurse call me back. 30 minutes later I got a call from a nurse, saying to keep timing them and to head to the hospital soon. She seemed like she wasn’t too interested in me. What if I was having the baby right then?! I think she should have called me back much sooner.

At noon my MIL and mom asked if I wanted to go walk around the mall. I didn’t want to walk. Walking was uncomfortable. I felt like the baby would come out when she was ready, walking or not. I was in no rush. I didn’t really understand theirs. I wanted to sit and rest, but I could tell they were bored and I like shopping, so off we went. By the time we got to the mall(only a ten minute drive!) I was having contractions 4 to 5 minutes apart, and they were stronger, but still tolerable. I really think that my installing the car seat into my MIL’s car was what changed them. I was determined to do it by myself(as I was with everything else the entire time I was pregnant) so I lugged it out. Imagine a lady in labor sitting onto of a car seat inside of car trying to reach over and tighten a seat belt. It took the breath out of me. I’m proud though, so…anyway.

We walked into the first store and started browsing through the baby section. I genuinely wanted to be interested but I couldn’t focus. I liked a lot of the outfits I saw and there were great deals! I promised myself I’d go back and get them. My MIL and mom weren’t as interested and started walking to a different area of the store, and when they looked back and noticed I was missing, they came running. I was fine. I was just hanging onto a rack, breathing through a particularly heavy contraction. That’s what they felt like then- heavy. No sharp pains or anything. Just achey heaviness. I did NOT want to walk anymore. I did NOT want to be standing. It’s funny how I just decided that. I told them that we should go to the food court and get lunch. I really had another agenda! I wanted to sit my pregnant butt down and rest. I will repeat this over and over: I was not in any rush for Lily to be born. Walking and standing made me so much more uncomfortable and I was sort of annoyed. Why would I do something I didn’t want to? My water hadn’t broken, so there was no time limit. Hm.

We got to the food court and I told them I was not in any mood to eat. I wasn’t hungry. They went and got their food and sat next to me. I wasn’t telling them how close my contractions were because I honestly did not care. I didn’t want any pressure from them! I just wanted to relax. My sisters showed up- neither of them are blood relatives, but they might as well be, since they’ve both known me since I was like six. I hadn’t even called them! My sister, Sheila, was going to be at the birth because she was going to film it. I had filmed hers and Matt asked her to be our designated film-er. Amanda came because she loves me and was probably dying of excitement- hi Amanda!

I don’t know if she knows this, but her sweet husband, Sam, came to me a few days before and asked me if I had ‘invited’ Amanda to the birth. I had made it clear to everyone that I wanted NO ONE there. I guess I was embarrassed about the thought of sticking my vagina in the air. And what if I didn’t know what I was doing? What if I cried? I hate being seen in a vulnerable state. I think that is my biggest flaw, really. Anyway, Sam asked. I think he was worried that I wouldn’t let her be there, and that it would have disappointed her. In reality, we are close friends and I always wanted her there, but I never outright said it. He wanted clarification, for her sake. I told him to be sure to tell her to come when it was time, and sure enough, there she was. I could write a whole post on how much I love both of them 😉

Side note- I didn’t want anyone there. I didn’t even want to give birth. So. I ended up allowing my mom there, because it would have broken her heart if I hadn’t. I invited Matt’s mother, because she never actually saw a birth. She gave birth four times, but never attended one! I invited my step-mother, Vicky, because she deserved to share that moment with me. Matt invited Sheila. My brother’s girlfriend, Sam, was training to be an RN at the time and politely asked if she could be there. I gladly told her she could. So sweet.

Back to the story- So as my MIL and mom are eating, and Amanda and Sheila are chatting, I’m contracting. Every. Three. Minutes. Contractions I could talk through, but I didn’t want to. I started breathing deeper and getting lightheaded, like I couldn’t focus. I didn’t say anything to anyone, but of course Amanda noticed and looks at me like I’m crazy. Hey, pregnant lady, it’s probably time to go to the hospital if you’re having contractions 3 minutes apart, and you’re sitting down. She didn’t say that to me, but her eyes did! So mid-conversation, I interrupt my mom and say,”I think it’s time we start heading for the hospital.” They ask me if I’m okay, how far apart my contractions are, etc. Being a stupid Libra and always trying to please others, I tell them I’m fine, but I’d like to leave soon, and that they should finish their lunches. At this point, out of nowhere, I’m starving! I eat the rest of my mom’s chinese and we head to the car. I’m thankful that lunch never came back up.

From the mall to the hospital is usually a 25 minute drive. Back roads, not really any traffic. So I expected that if things got back, my MIL could step on it and we’d be fine. Well. Things were fine. My contractions slowed to 6 minutes apart, and weren’t too strong. Fortunately, because my poor MIL was so nervous that she got us lost and we got to the hospital in 50 minutes. Oh well! I didn’t have a baby in her back seat, so we we’re fine.

As we were pulling into the hospital, the song “She’s Everything” by Brad Paisley comes on the radio. My MIL starts telling me that when Matt first met me, he used to play this song all the time because it reminded him of me. How sweet is that? I didn’t know that until then, and I don’t think I ever even told Matt she told me. Looooove!

We park and we all start to get out. I take forever because 1) I always like to gather myself before I leave a car. People always think that’s weird, especially my husband, because they just get right out. I like to hang out. And 2) I was taking a break. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to giving birth. All I knew about birth was that it sucked. Really. At that point, I had only heard negative things about birth. Pain, IV’s, beepy machines that are uncomfortable, strange doctors, needles, cold rooms, random nurses…I could go on and on. So I was hesitant, to say the least.

I eventually lugged myself into the hospital. (I really only sat there for a minute. My mom was saying “c’mon Jennnn” the whole time.) We went into the emergency room entrance. Now that I look back, I probably could have just sat down and been admitted right there. They would have wheeled me upstairs. I didn’t even think about that then! I wasn’t that uncomfortable. I walked around half of the bottom floor and found and elevator. We got to the ‘birthing center’ within the hospital- it shouldn’t be called that because it’s not a real one!- and I think I really surprised the nurses. I walked right up the main desk and they asked me what I needed. Oh, I’m in labor. I need to be admitted. I don’t think they believed me! I mean, how many women walk right up to the desk like that when they are in labor? And even out of those women, how many do it without panting, crying, screaming, etc?

Just some of my entourage. Note the cookies and coffee! Mmm!

I waited around for them to get themselves together and get me a room. No one else was having a baby then, I guess, so I got the biggest room. Thankfully. Can you imagine a ton of people squished into a tiny room? I ended up having 12 people there when Lily was born.

Everyone eventually showed up after awhile. I felt fine. My contractions slowed to 8 minutes apart or so, and they hadn’t gotten any stronger. To my mom’s surprise, I was 3 1/2 to 4 centimeters dilated. I’m not sure why she was surprised. Maybe she didn’t want to me get sent home if I wasn’t dilated enough? Maybe she couldn’t tell I was that far along because I was acting fine. I mean, at this point, I was only uncomfortable. I had far worse menstrual cramps before. I had some in high school that literally would send me to my knees. I’ve cried! I was not crying in labor.

My mom recommended we go walk the hall. We did for like 5 minutes. I just didn’t want to. I felt no urge to be walking!! I did not want to walk. I ended up sitting on a birthing ball at the table in my room. Some nurse brought me lunch and I remember it being delicious. It was a turkey sandwich! Mmmm! I think I had a little carton of milk too. And a banana? I don’t remember. I ate it all. I’ll say it again- I felt fine.

My dad showed up with my step-mother. He assumed he would be sitting in a nearby waiting room, but I told him to come in and hang out. We sat and chatted. He brought me cookies. Amanda, Sheila, and Sam went to get some lunch. Amanda brought me back one of those Starbuck’s Frappucino things. That was my first one. I remember not really liking it then, but now I am addicted. By this time I was fully outfitted in a hospital gown and my pink robe, along with my slippers. My dad got a kick out of the whole thing- I was lounging around in labor.

Not really the best picture of me...

The stupid nurse asked me to lay down so they could monitor me. Everything was fine, but she blurted out a ‘woah’ when she saw my contraction on the monitor. Evidently it was a 9- whatever that means. The highest number I reached was 12, so go from there. She told me I must have a high pain tolerance. Eh. I have never thought that, but multiple people have told me that over the years, so maybe. They checked me again and I was 5 centimeters. I asked her to call my doctor. She recommended some Stadol because my legs started shaking. I shake when I’m nervous. My whole body does. I did not need Stadol, but I figured, why not? I was planning on being medicated anyway. I was afraid if I said no, then I would miss my chance and have to have the baby without any medication, which terrified me. I got the Stadol and got in the jacuzzi tub.

It was wonderful! I was high as hell. The water felt great. Right before the Stadol was administered I started getting back pain, and that was totally gone. The jets in the tub were awesome. I remember looking out of the tub at everyone peeking their heads in, laughing at me. Not only was I the strangest pregnant lady ever, I was high! Everyone expected me to be miserable and in pain. I was happy and polite!

High. Gross picture! I'm not photogenic.

The Stadol made my mind wander. My dad was standing in the bathroom door, jingling his keys in his pocket, and I asked, “Is Tyson here?” Everyone laughed. It sounded like his collar was jingling. And I missed him!! I also zoned out for awhile, thinking about the bird I saw on the roof outside of the window. It was a seagull! Why on earth a seagull was miles from any lake, I don’t know. But for a second I thought it was walking around my room. I don’t even know why! I asked my dad if there was a bird in the room, and he laughed. It was a pleasant experience.

After I got out, there was more monitoring. Lily was fine. I was fine. My cervix dilated to 5 1/2 to 6 centimeters. I was disappointed. I wish they had never even told me. I hung out for a while longer- I had no sense of time then. I was in ‘laborland’ as some women call it. I was zoned out. Maybe it was the Stadol too…I don’t really remember this phase. It ended up being three hours of waiting. I could feel the contractions but they were mild(Stadol was wearing off). My grandparents showed up. My dad had called them and they thought I had already had her!  They walked in to see me with a big belly and no baby in my arms! Hah. Surprise.

Sometime in here, a quick scare happened. Lily’s heart rate decelerated. It went from 120ish to 50ish. They made me roll to my side, then to my other, then to my back again. It ended up just being a weird monitor position. Scary.

They checked me again and I was 7 1/2 centimeters. My legs started shaking again. The nurse said that it was now-or-never time for the epidural. I decided beforehand that I wanted it, so I agreed. The anesthesiologist came in and kicked everyone out but my mom. They told me I could leave over on her. I had a spinal block months earlier for a surgery removing a cyst, so I wasn’t nervous about this. The woman I leaned on before, though, was a wide, plus size woman. I had a lot to lean on and she held me tight. My mom is a tiny woman! And she was nervous. I guess when I leaned over on her, she put her hands too far onto my shoulders and touched the guys “sterile zone” which made him FREAK OUT. He was bitching at her and she didn’t even know what she did! He literally yelled for another nurse and told my mom to move over. This was the only time I cried in labor. I was mad at him, sad for her, nervous about this giant needle going into my back, and I was in transition. Hello. I asked him to wait until I said so, so he wouldn’t jab me mid-contraction. The asshole didn’t wait. So I cried, hugging this random nurse and holding as still as possible.

Sad.

Everyone came back in. More time passed. I went numb. I could only see my contractions on the monitor. I told me grandparents to stay. They checked me at 9:30PM and told me I was ready to push- wait, WHAT? Push?! I don’t want to push!! I then told everyone in the room that I was mad at each and every one of them. I did not want to do this and I was not happy. At all. I had never even thought about pushing before. I was scared. The men(my father and grandfather) stepped in the hall. The nurse came in and started moving things. Everyone stood up and surrounded the bed.

Summary of who was in the room-

  • My mom
  • My MIL
  • Sam, my brother’s girlfriend
  • Amanda
  • Sheila
  • My step-mother, Vicky
  • My grandmother
  • A random nurse
  • Another random nurse who stepped in and out the whole time
  • A RANDOM DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT MINE.

Yep, you heard that right. They never even called my doctor. He was pissed. I really liked this lady, though. And I wasn’t in much of a position to me fighting it right then. Or at least, I was scared to death and wasn’t about to be confident and throw a fit.

Time to push! The nurse instructed Sam to hold my leg because she was right by it,  and she held the other. The doctor waited for a contraction and told me to push. I obviously had no idea what I was doing. She made me put my hand right above my butt and bear down. I’m not going to get into right now, but how on earth did she expect me to birth Lily like a volcano! Why on earth would she want me to aim my vagina UP? Hm.

After a few pushes, the doctor left, then returned with the anesthesiologist who literally threatened to lower the dosage on my epidural so I could feel the contractions better. I told him NO. I became determined at the point. I didn’t know it then, but he turned it off. The rest of my labor was medicated, but the affects was fading. That was fine. I never was in terrible pain while birthing her.

I kept my eyes closed for most of this time. Every time I opened them, I’d realize that I had 9 people staring at my vagina. So, yeah. Sam held my leg. Sheila videotaped. Amanda helped prop up my head with my pillow, and whispered some encouraging words into my ear. My mom, my MIL, my grandmother, and my step mother stood by and watched. They chatted in between contractions. They joked. They waited. I concentrated.

Taken right after birth. Her cone-shaped head went down after a few minutes. My MIL took this on her phone.

An hour later, Lily was born. I never felt that ‘ring of fire’ but I sure felt all the pressure. My doctor used a ton of Astroglide(seriously) and warm compresses to help my body stretch naturally. She was wonderful. I never needed a episiotomy. I had a tiny tear- one stitch! Lily’s head came out and she pursed her lips- you can see it on the video. Poor girl. The doctor asked me if I wanted to reach down to feel her head. I replied with a quick “no!” I was focusing, dammit! I just want her out!! Her body came seconds later, thanks to me 🙂 I got to pull her out as soon as her shoulders passed. I put her on my chest. Everyone cried! I was EXHAUSTED.

I wiped Lily off and sort of whimpered. I was too tired to cry. I wanted to rest. The nurse gave us a few minutes while I doctor stitched me. Then she was whisked away for things I didn’t know about then- vitamin K drops, weighing and measuring, a bath, and suction. They shoved tubes down her throat! They could have just patted her a little. I’ll talk about that another time.

By now the epidural had worn off almost completely, and the doctor was pressing above my pubic bone to get my uterus to start contracting so I’d clot. This was the most pain I was in, ever. I was crying, moaning, begging her to stop. I felt like she was shoving on me! Amanda later told me that she was barely pushing down. My dad told me that he was really upset when he heard me crying. He said that he wasn’t sure if I was decent, so he didn’t want to come in and upset me, but he hated hearing me me crying like that. Poor guy. He’s so sweet.

Lily was 6 pounds, 8.8 ounces, and 20 1/2 inches long. She was passed around and kissed by everyone. I got some water and basked in my glory. I did it! It was done and over with. I felt relieved. Everyone stayed for maybe 45 minutes, then left. It was 11:30PM before my room was empty.  I’m thankful I had so many loving family members there to surround me.

I’m thankful everything went well. I’m thankful there were only minor complications. I’m thankful I have her!

Lily's photog's!

Blinded by the lights!

My sweet grandfather!

My grandparents with their first great-granddaughter!

My awesome dad! He's holding his first grandbaby 🙂

My step-mother, Vicky

The rest is history. We moved into a post partum room around 1:30AM. These details I’ll save for another post. I called the American Red Cross that next morning and got to talk to Matt. I told him all the news!

After all that, I got this…

Heavenly, right?

Suicide…

Standard

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

If you are in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK. They will connect you with someone from The National Suicide Prevention Hotline, where you can talk to someone who really knows how you feel, and can help.

You are not alone.

Tonight I did something I never thought I’d never do- I convinced someone that suicide is not the answer.

For that person’s sake, I won’t say their name. They might someday read this blog. I really do care about this person, and I promised them that no matter what, I was not going to allow them to take their own life. Even if that meant calling the police. Even if that meant calling someone close to them. Even if that meant total embarrassment. I explained how much they meant to me, how hard this is for me to understand, and how sympathetic I am. I made it clear that this is not an option. I guilt tripped the hell out of this person! Whatever it took. And guess what? I sent someone to go get this person so they can stay here for the night. Safe and sound.

My husband also promised to shit on someone else’s car tonight, but that’s a whole other story.

Mini Apple Pies!!

Standard

If you don’t know this about me, I love to bake. Cookies. Muffins. Cakes. Cupcakes. In that order.

Today I tried to make mini apple pies. I think they turned out well. I would do a few things differently, though.

I should have taken pictures during the process of creating these little guys. Oh well.

Mini Apple Pies

3-4 apples (I used some tart kind but I recommend Granny Smith)

Premade pie crusts (I used the Walmart brand- it comes with two) (Refrigerated)

Butter (I used half a stick of really butter. I’m not really into measuring.)

Apple Pie Spice (I don’t have this, so I mixed like a bunch of cinnamon, some nutmeg, and some cloves. Beats me if that’s what is in apple pie spice. I was to lazy to look it up.)

1/4 cup of sugar (I eyeballed this.)

A muffin pan (For people who are serious bakers, use a cupcake pan. Normal people call don’t know that muffin pans are much larger and deeper. Most people don’t own muffin pans. They own cupcake pans. But trying to give someone a recipe that asks for a cupcake pan that they don’t even know they own…well, confusing.)

The woman who originally told me about these used no form of measurements, so I’m sort of at a loss. Sorry!

First, preheat your oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Now spray down your muffin tray. I didn’t. Big mistake. I think you could probably use muffin cups with this recipe if you’re handy, but don’t trust me on that. The crust might not bake right. So.

Now peel your apples. I peeled an extra one for Lily. I knew she’d ask!

Slice them up. Obviously not the cores. Discard those. But slice the good bits up and load them into one of those big kitchen baggies. I put mine in a gallon size freezer one because that’s all we have.

Now roll out your dough. Cut out 12 circles. (Use both of the pie crusts) The woman said to use a wide mouthed Mason jar, but I tried it and they were too small. They should fit into your muffin pan. As in, they should reach the bottom and right to the top. I guess if you didn’t push them all the way to the bottom then maybe a Mason jar would work. Next time I’ll try that. Anyway, I used a small bowl. Like a bowl you’d put seasoning in. A really small bowl. A REALLY wide mouthed cup might work. I wish I could think of a universal size!! Bigger than a regular sized cup mouth, and smaller than a regular sized bowl’s mouth. I’ll figure it out.

*Note* You are cutting 12 circles because you’re using 6 for the top and 6 for the bottom. The tops don’t need to be a big as the bottoms. I’m making this much more confusing than it needs to be. The tops just need to be a little bit bigger than the mouths on the muffin pan. To cover the tops of your mini pies. So…if you’re conserving dough or something, now you know.

Take six circles and push them gently into your muffin pan. They’ll gather a little bit around the sides, so smooth them out a little bit.

Now, dump your sugar and spices into your bag with the apples and SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE. Lily likes this part. Just make sure that it’s all evenly coated. Easy!

Spoon the apple mix into your dough in the pie pan. I filled them to the brim, but I had extra apples. The lady said to fill them half way. She must be crazy.

Cut up half your butter into little cubes. Six little cubes. Put your fancy cubes of butter onto of your mounds of apples. One cube on each mound. Cover them with the other six circles of dough. One on each! Hehe.

Microwave the other half of your butter, and spoon it onto your now covered mini apple pies.

Cut fancy lines into the top of your pies, like you would with a regular sized pie.

Bake for 25 minutes. The tops will get all golden-y and wonderful. After they cool you can pry them out carefully and devour them. Toppings I recommend but sadly didn’t have- whipped cream, vanilla ice cream.

Enjoy! Let me know if you make them. I’m going to make them again because they were awesome and I half assed it.

Happy baking 🙂

Worries

Standard

I know you’re all probably tired of hearing about baby stuff…
What if this new midwife I found doesn’t take the time to really HEAR me? I always get passed off and talked over.

What if I don’t get to choose the midwife within the practice that I like? What if I end up having this baby in a cold, unfamiliar hospital? Obviously there is a very good chance that I’m going to have this baby in a hospital. I hadn’t realized until TODAY that I don’t want to go to a hospital. Maybe I’m just apprehensive because of Lily’s birth. I am nervous.
What if this doctor’s office is just like my last? I want ONE doctor. I want someone who connects with me. I want someone who hears what I have to say.
I got their ‘welcome packet’ in the mail today. It is just like my last doctor’s, except for saying they do acupuncture in the office. That’s pretty nifty. But they also have a policy in which the reserve the right to charge you $50 for a no-show. They make you sign a damn “No-Show Agreement” !!! If you call in less than 24 hours, but at least an hour before, they will only charge you $30! Seriously? What office does that?
They claim it’s because they are in ‘high-demand.’ Do I really want to go to an office that has a crap load of patients? NO. I want a doctor with like five patients. I want a midwife that I can call and chat with. I want a midwife I can email.

I’m going to go to my first appointment. If I don’t like this place, I’m not going to go back. I’d rather go to my original doctor. I really liked them. I was just hoping to find a midwife who based her practices around alternative medicines and natural births.

My old OB would jump right to a cesarean. And he didn’t even deliver Lily! He was a sweet man though. I really trusted him. He was kind and never rushed through our appointments, although I never stayed to talk. I still rave about him though. I know I could go back to him and he would be happy to see me. I know that I could have this baby in the same hospital Lily was born in and be okay with that. I know he would support my decision to have this baby naturally. Maybe I’ll get him, and a doula? One that would fill in his blanks. Because I know he won’t be giving me a massage. He’d be jumping for the scissors. Sad.

I’m disappointed already by this new place.

I might end up having this baby in my bath tub, alone. And then I’ll walk into the ER and be all like, “HEY! Idiots of this crappy nearby hospital!! I just had a baby. In my house. Give me some paperwork so it can be all official and such.”
And that would be it. Hmpft.

I need a fulfilling birth.

Standard

I know that that title might sound strange- I need a birth? Well, let me explain. I yearn for a fulfilling birth. I hope for one. I cry for one. I will beg and fight and pray for one, if necessary. Why am I acting a little like a crazy lady? Well, plain and simple, I am SO DISAPPOINTED by Lily’s birth. I don’t want to get into all of details now(I’ll do another post when I get up the nerve) but it was exactly what I wanted, then. I feel completely different about birth now, compared to then. I was scared, then. I didn’t know what to expect, then. I was embarrassed, indifferent, and much less educated, then. Now I know what I want and I am seriously determined to get it.

I found this today…it’s a website stating how to increase your chances for a natural birth. On the site they refer to it as a ‘normal physiological birth’ but I’m just going to replace that with a natural birth. By natural, I’m saying a drug-free, intervention-less, safe birth. Or similar. My guidelines for a natural birth are pretty loose.

(That linked website has a ton of great articles worth reading. I highly recommend going through it.)

Anyway, they have a list to go through. I’m going to answer the (sort of edited) questions on here. Be aware that a lot of my answers may change by the end of my pregnancy, by varying degrees.

  1. What are your true motivations for a natural birth?
  2. Write out your birth plan
  3. Find an OB/midwife who will support your choices
  4. Create your own ‘cheer squad’
  5. Find APPROPRIATE support for labor
  6. Educate yourself and your support people
  7. Hire a doula
  8. Trust your body, and your baby

I’d put my comments in between each question/whatever but I’m not a master at the stupid numbered list button. So.

1) My true motivations for having a natural birth are simple: my baby deserves the birth I am planning. My baby deserves to be drug free, as do I. I am 100% I can give birth without pain medicine, and I am determined to prove it to myself. I want to do this for ME and my baby. I’m not looking to prove anything to anyone else. I’m not planning on boasting about it (although I might a little). I’m not doing it because of my grandmother’s comment after Lily was born, either. She said “it’s like you didn’t even work for it.” I could do an entire post on just what she said and how I feel about it. I am not resentful of her comment, and I’m not doing this for her. I’m not doing this for my husband, who missed Lily’s birth. I am doing this because I know I have the inner strength. I know my body will do what it is meant to do. I know honestly feel like this is the ‘right’ way for me to have this baby. I think my body is telling me to do it this way.

2) My birth plan…oh. Well. I have yet to visit my doctor, so I really have no idea what options she will be able to offer me. My dream birth? At home, in our silly little apartment, in our kitchen, in a birthing tub. At dawn. With a ton of shades covering our windows, since there aren’t any right now. I would want Matt to be by my side, a sage-like midwife with a wonderful soothing voice, and energetic friend to help out with things and to keep me motivated, and a friend who will double as a photographer. I would not want my dog home- he would be all over me. He would be rather annoying. He would want to eat the placenta, I bet. Yeah. And I wouldn’t want Lily home. I would worry about her constantly. I would never be able to focus. And I would be so concerned with scaring her. I would love to take a warm bath at home, bake, mingle, read, breathe. I would be so happy if I could be in my own comfort zone- mentally focused and strong. I would love to give birth to this little one, clean baby up, put on a cloth diaper, and nestle into our bed to rest. I would love to breastfeed right away…but I can’t start talking about breastfeeding now or I’ll cry. It’s a sensitive subject for me. I would love to have this birth, but I am fully aware that I most likely will not get. I am open to giving birth in a hospital. I’m open to not giving birth in water. I’m open to having a cesarean if necessary.

I’m trying to stay as open as possible to alternative births, because I have a terrible time adapting to change.

3) I just found a new midwife that I have high hopes for. I found her on the internet, not through a reference, so I’m really going at this blind. Her website seems so promising. If I dislike her, then I’ll keep searching. I have found a few other ‘maybes’ to look into. I need a midwife that honestly cares about me. I need one that wants to hear what I want and need. My last OB was what I wanted then, but not what I want now. I didn’t even have my OB deliver Lily! The stupid hospital just let some random doctor on staff deliver here. Some woman I had never met before!! THEY HAD NEVER EVEN CALLED MY DOCTOR. Yeah. So. This midwife better be ready to accommodate ME and MY needs. I’m not about to step aside this time.

4) My ‘cheer squad’ is slowly forming. I’m sad that I don’t have a ton of people to choose from. I guess I need to broaden my horizons, eh? I have a few people that have already shown their support. I also have a few people who have clearly shown me that they do not support my decisions and who would rather talk over me than listen. I’ve already had someone tell me that “homebirths are SO DANGEROUS” and that I was “ridiculous” because I live in a “modern society.” *sigh*

I pushed a lot of people away when I was pregnant with Lily and now I’m scrambling to get them back.

5) I put the word ‘appropriate’ in capital letters because it seems really important to me. I did NOT have appropriate supporters while I was giving birth to Lily. I had a few people in the room who were there for themselves. Not to support me! I also did not have the support I needed while I was pregnant, but that blame I take fully upon myself. I will need strong, intelligent, loving, HELPFUL supporters. For this little ones birth, I WILL NOT allow anyone there who I do not want there. That birth was completely different from how I hope this one will be. I will need to be intensely focused during this birth, and I need people surrounding me who get that. On to the next point…

6) Whoever I chose to attend this birth will really depend on their commitment to it. Everyone needs to be on exactly the same page as I am- exactly the same paragraph, sentence, word, LETTER. I need everyone to support me in every way possible. I will be as educated as I possibly can be, and I expect others to be the same. If anyone is unprepared for this birth, they will not be there. Even Matt. Not that I doubt that he will be ready- I have a lot of faith in him. I’m just stating a fact. If he is not ready for this, then I can not have him as a distraction. The same goes for everyone else.

End of story.

7)  Although I think doulas are wonderful, I do not plan on hiring one. I believe that I will not need a doula. I am assuming that my husband and my midwife will fill any slots a doula would regularly fill. I am confident that I will not need a doula’s assistance.

8) This point weighs heavily on me. I do trust my body. I really, honestly do. I feel like my body is communicating with me somehow. I know it can do this. I know that the only thing that will get in the way of a smooth labor(assuming everything is well) is my mind and medical interventions. I plan on eliminating any lingering fears beforehand, and telling those beepy machines to fuck off. Excuse my french.

At the end of the article (linked again here) there is an acronym that I like. It refers to medical interventions and procedures. I think everyone should go through it before agreeing to anything being done…

B.R.A.N.

What are the benefits of the this being done?

What are the risks?

Are there alternatives?

Does it need to be done now?

 

Hm. Handy. Maybe I will do this again when it’s almost time, and compare. I plan on reading a ton of books and becoming very close to my midwife by then. For now, I’m going to bed. Goodnight all!

 

Lily is 13 Months Old!

Standard

First off, for anyone who doesn’t know me, Lily is my daughter. My wonderful, amazing, vibrant, silly daughter. I feel like I should dedicate a post to her tonight. She is THE BEST.

See? I told you. She is crazy awesome. She is thirteen months old now- where did the time go?! She is so big. It makes me sad to think that she is only growing up from here. I know that might sound dumb. I just wish I could pause her!

Look at that face!! Lily has the most loving eyes, I swear. For being so little, she tells me so much.

Check out her laughing with her Daddy! They were FaceTime-ing while he was gone for classes. She is madly in love with him. He’ll come into a room and she literally screams “DA!” and runs to him. I love that. She cries when he leaves. They go shopping together without me sometimes and she doesn’t mind at all! They are crazy about each other. He sings her a diaper song that always quiets her down- something that I barely ever can do during diaper changes. I get kicked and screamed at! Daddy sings “change your dipey, change change your dipey,” or something and she LOVES it. I sing it and she yells. Oh well. They share Kix in the morning and he lets her watch Spongebob sometimes. He spoils her as often as he can. She’s definitely his little lady!

        Lily saying “hiiiiiii” all silly like. She is only speaking a few words at this point: hi, dada, momma, hot, cold, ist(for juice, if you can imagine), at(for that), is(for this), go, bird, and baby. Maybe more. She will start to say words but never finish pronouncing the word, like ‘bea’ for bear and ‘do’ for dog.

She is, however, signing like a baby genius. We practice American Sign Language. She signs faster than I can teach them! So far, she signs more, eat, hungry, dog, come(to tell the dog to come!), cat, monkey, hurt, juice, milk, cheese(her most used sign), water, up, down, want, no, yes, bad, flush, potty, wipe, wash, bath, diaper…I wasn’t aware she knew so many until now! She doesn’t sign hot, cold, or dirty, but instead she shakes her hand above whatever she’s referring too and tells me. Like for the garbage can, she will go over and put her hand above it, making an ‘ha’ noise. “Ha” used to just be hot, but not she uses it for dirty things too. It’s more like our universal ‘don’t touch this’ sign!

Anyway. She understands more than I can even wrap my head around. She tried to put our house phone on to it’s charger yesterday. She tries to open our fridge and signs ‘eat’ or ‘cheese.’ She will take a diaper and attempt to dress her baby dolls. She feeds them and holds them and kisses them. I know she will be a great big sister. A few weeks ago, I asked her to go put her dirty clothes into the dirty clothes basket- something I had never taught her or even explained to her, for that matter- and she did it without even thinking twice! She came back to me and clapped her hands! She throws things into the garbage can if we ask her too, and will put things away. She can identify her hands, arms, legs, elbows, shoulders, knees, feet, toes, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, head, hair, belly, belly button, and back. To any person who isn’t a parent, these things might not seem important, but to any parent, these things are monumental.

Lily is also a pet lover. Dogs, cats, birds, whatever. Tyson, our three year old pitbull, is her best friend. Literally. She climbs all over him. She runs up to him and hugs him. She lets him lick her face occasionally. He will bring her toys and she will throw them- they are ridiculous. I catch her feeding him off her tray ON A DAILY BASIS. They both share their cheese addiction…I should find a video of them. He lets her put his ears, lips, feet, etc. She will open his mouth and feel his teeth, and then laugh when he licks her fingers. She pokes his eyes and tries to stick her fingers up his nose. If you’ve never had a reason before to think pitbulls are NOT vicious beasts, let this be yours. He is a great playmate for her. I’m so thankful that he adapted well to her. He is my best friend, too!

Some pictures from a few weeks ago- autumn is beautiful in central New York!

    Needless to say, I am incredibly blessed to have such an amazing daughter. I love her more than I ever thought I could love another human being. She impresses me every day, and she pushes me to be a better person. I am thankful to have her in my life. I am thankful to be having another little one. I know she will be ecstatic when she really realizes that she is getting a REAL baby to have at home. I’m feel honored to be her mother!

lovelovelovelovelove.

Baby news!

Standard

I’m going to skip all of the ‘sorry I never post’ or ‘here’s my introduction’ stuff because if I write it, I will never get to my original point. Survivor is coming on. Matt is obsessed. So. I’m sort of obligated to watch and understand what he’s talking about.

Today is Wednesday. I’m forgetful, so I’m keeping track.

On Monday, November 14th, this happened…

Baby number two!We got a BFP! (A Big Fat Positive, for all you not-trying-to-concieve folks) Technically, it’s not all that fat, since it’s not a dark line at all. Buttttt, it is a positive. If you’re unaware, any sort of second line, faint or not, is a positive. The darker it is, the more HCG hormone you have. Anyway, my period was due but never came. So, on a whim, I decided to take a at home pregnancy test. I take them often, because I have a bagillion of them and, why not? So I took one. At night. You’re supposed to take one in the morning- the hormone will be more concentrated then. Obviously I was not assuming I would get two lines! Alas, there they are. Cute little lines!! I’ll take another one on Friday. If the line is lighter or gone then I’ll go get my blood drawn. They will see if my HCG is dropping, which could indicate a miscarriage. We will see.

I could go off into a thousand directions from here! I could talk about my birth plans or my past experiences. I’m going to talk about fried cucumbers.

Does the idea of a cucumber, battered in some delish batter, deep fried, turn you off? How about if someone drizzled chocolate on it? Because that’s all I can think about. Deep friend cucumbers. Matt is DISGUSTED. He thinks that sounds terrible. I think it sounds ahmazing! I feel like I could start a business selling them! THIS IS AMERICA! People like everything deep fried. Can you tell I’m pregnant? All I want is salty foods covered in chocolate. Like, french fries. Dipped in chocolate. I’ve been snacking on some Sweet n’ Salty Peanut bars. And the almond version. Yum.

I am 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant today. That means that my little embryo is only 2 weeks and 4 days old. How crazy is that?! I know so early compared to most woman! I found out I was pregnant with Lily when I was 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I’ve got a fancy iPhone app, iPeriod (orginal name, I know), that I use on a regular basis. I chart my periods, when Matt and I do the deed, and it tells me when I ovulate. It estimates all of that based on my past periods. It averages the length and the time in between. Fancy! I love it. Well, because I’m a super tracker, I know exactly when I ovulated and the closest day to that. Matt and I had sex on October 29th, and I ovulated on October 30th. So! There’s an easy way to know how old my little bean is.

That means that this little guy is-

Weight: <1/10th of an ounce (<2.8 g)  TEENY.

Length: 0.05 inches (0.1 cm) YEAH.

Smaller than a sesame seed. Go get some chinese. Imagine that in my uterus.

How I feel-

TIRED. I fell asleep at 7:45PM last night. Right after Lily went to sleep. I got up at 8AM with her and we snuggled on the couch until 9:30AM. I’m exhausted. I did an hour’s worth of dishes today because I hadn’t done dishes for three days. I did some laundry. I cleaned the house. I called three doctors and two insurance companies and made a to-do list. At about 4:30PM I got a back ache and some belly weirdness, so I sat down and rested. I’m sort of worried. I’m going to take it easy for now.

What I’m taking-

Prenatal from Walmart. Whatever brand that is. We just grabbed one while we were out. I plan on getting some prenatals with DHA in them, or at least picking up a separate pill with DHA. If I get queasy(which starts hitting around 6 weeks-yuck) then I’ll start taking some vitamin B6. If I get bad acid reflux again, then I’ll probably search around for some papaya enzyme. I heard that it has really helped some women, and I’d rather take something natural than something like Prevacid.

Baby Prep-

I found a doctor I REALLY like on Tuesday. I googled for over an hour. I searched for OB’s, midwives, and doulas. I searched in multiple surrounding areas. I like her. The office is over a half an hour away, but Matt said that’s fine. He has been more than supportive. I also don’t plan on going to every single appointment as I did with my last pregnancy. If there is no reason for me to go, then why go? I plan on buying a fetal doppler for home. The one I want is here. That website turns me off. I really don’t know the legality of at-home dopplers. I think I once heard that you’re not allowed to purchase one unless you’re a MD, but, eh. We’ll see. I wouldn’t use it often. Just once a month to check up, or in case of an emergency. We’ll see.

My Birth Plan-

So far, it’s just rough ideas. I would like a natural birth for sure. No unnecessary interventions. No pain medications. Alternative therapies. I would be interested in a home birth, but I don’t see that happening. I maybe would be interested in a water birth. I will have a lot more clarity after I meet my doctor.

Really, I’m only four weeks along, so I have A LOT of time to set things into stone.

Oh, by the way, I’m “due” July 21st, 2011. I put due in quotation marks because I hate that society calls it a due date. It should be maybe date. A could-be date. So many people assume that because it say’s ‘due’ that a baby has to come by that point or there is something wrong. So many woman have inductions because HEY, MY BABY WAS DUE THEN! NOW IT’S LATE. THIS IS BAD. No. They should set a ‘due’ date at 42 weeks so women chill out. This baby can come July 7th, or in August. I don’t care. I am not concerned with when my baby comes, as long as it is healthy and strong. I digress.

Belly Pictures!!-

Obviously, no visible bump.

All done now 🙂