Another vent.

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My mind is a jumbled mess. I have a million things going on and I feel like I can’t deal with any of them!

Last night, I dreamt about Twilight, an ex-boyfriend, and teethers. Um, what?! Yeah. I dreamt about getting a piece of gum from an ex-boyfriend, then waking up in my childhood home with a dude in my room(Twilight reference) and my dad smiling down the hall. Because he ‘caught’ me. And then a blue, plastic teether. Who knows.

I’m started to get nervous about having a toddler and a newborn. Lily has entered a toddler stage that is making me crazy. I can deal with a clingy baby. I think I’m incredibly patient with children. What I can’t stand is whining. Whining is like scratching nails on a chalkboard for me. Please stop whining. Just tell me what you want. Please make up your mind. Not only is she whining, but she’s clingy and grouchy. She’ll hit Tyson when he walks by her and yell “go!” Please be nice to Tyson. She won’t let Matt hold her, or comfort her, or kiss her. Please let Dada help me. Everything that’s even a little bit frustrating turns into a full tantrum. These shoes won’t go on my feet! It’s the end of the world! Not only has all this started, but she’s starting to think everything is hers. I feel like she’d cuss at me if she could. I feel like cussing at her sometimes. It’s my effing iPhone and my effing water bottle. And my effing lap! You have your own stuff! I understand I’m supposed to teach her patience and sharing…but c’mon. That was my doughnut. That’s not very nice.

She fake cries. Enough said.

Being a parent is not always easy. I know I’ve been blessed with a normally well-behaved child. I know that I should expect hard times and even harder times than this. The truth to parenting is that it’s not always easy for anyone. No one vents on Facebook about what a crappy morning they’re having. Well, most people don’t. So, as a parent, you can easily feel isolated. Am I the only one dealing with this? Why are everyone else’s kids acting normally? The truth is that other parents are going through the same exact thing, but they don’t ever bring up the bad times in conversation. Everyone pretends their lives are awesome all the time and they hide the crappy stuff. I’m okay with this. It’s just something to remember. At least Lily isn’t biting me.

I try to vent as best I can to people I’m close to. It’s sad when you can’t tell certain people things because you know they’ll spread your business all over the place. I don’t want everyone knowing that I told Lily I was going to throw her off the bed. I don’t want to be judged on that isolated incident. (Yes, I did say that. I wrote about it on Instagram. She started pulling my hair. After an hour of kicking, slapping, elbowing, and pinching, I had reached my breaking point. See, not everyone is perfect all the time.) The point is that I’m disappointed in so many people I consider close because I know they’ll talk about me. It hurts my feelings. I should be able to trust these people, you know? It’s not fair. And they wonder why I don’t call them every day or want to spend time with them…and what? Make sure I don’t slip and tell you some personal information? Sad.

I hate talking badly about Matt. I hate venting about our relationship to others. I don’t want him to be mad at me, and I don’t think it’s fair of me to be telling people information about him. I think, if you have an issue within a relationship, then you should tell your partner about it first. Well, I’ve done that. About thirty times. And I’m tired. Our relationship is crappy. I feel lonely and disrespected. I really don’t think this is the best time in my life to be dealing with this. I’m supposed to go through the hardest experience of my life in a few months and I feel like I need as much support as possible. You would assume my husband would be a large part of that support system, right? Nope. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. I know worrying about that is a normal part of the process- am I really strong enough? Do I really want to do this? Will everything be okay? What if I start squealing like a wild boar and just get transferred? *sigh* I think, at this point, that I should have people surrounding me and reassuring me. Is it really my job to reassure myself? It just doesn’t seem right. How am I supposed to hold myself up while I’m falling down? I’ve been pretty independent my whole life, so I know I’m a strong person. I know I can do anything by myself. But I really worry about supporting myself mentally…how is a person supposed to even do that?

You shouldn’t have to ask for help. And if you do ask for help, you should get it. And if you don’t…well, that sucks.

And I’m tired. Mentally. Physically. How am I supposed to get up with Lily in the middle of the night when I have a newborn sleeping on my chest? I understand these are normal thoughts, but that doesn’t make them any less stressful.

Oh, and my mother in law is leaving. She’s going on vacation for a month. I know most people don’t like their mother-in-law’s, but I happen to like mine. Sure, she’s not perfect, but she’s good company and she cares about what I’m dealing with. I’ll miss her. I don’t adjust well to change, and this has been bothering me. I see her every week.

In other news, I got my hair cut. Finally! And I spent $80. I nearly fell over when the stylist told me my total. I bought a crapton of Biologic or something…Matrix stuff. Fancy stuff. I really doubted whether it would be worth it, but this morning, I woke up with amazing hair. I feel like it’s silk, imported from Heaven. Seriously, feel free to feel it. Never underestimate the power of good shampoo and conditioner. My hair isn’t a frizzy thick mop. Yay!

I want to eat healthier. I want to plan our meals. I want to take Lily for walks. I want to teach her more. I want keep a cleaner house and get the garden in. I want to do so much. Stupid! There’s no way I can do all that I want to. I need to lower my expectations and relax.

Preston and Forrest are the new baby names Matt likes. I like both, but don’t love both. I wish babies were born with names. Like, here’s your baby. Lemme read his name tag for you…Oh! His name is blah blah. Wonderful! Thanks.

I wish more people vented like I did. Feel free.

Also, Amanda- blog your birth stories. I have a vague overview of what happened, but I was 12 and 14, so. Please and thank you!

 

 

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About Mama Wolf

I'm a young mama to two babes and a wife to my wonderful husband. I love all things 'crunchy'. I'm just trying to make this world a better place and learn from others :) Join me on my journey!

5 responses »

  1. First of all, I feel like my births were a hundred years ago, so they might be short and lacking detail, but at your request, I’ll do it!

    Second. You are right. People don’t share what are perfectly normal feelings and experiences because they are embarrassed. And they shouldn’t be. I think one of the major downfalls of our society (just one of the downfalls – not all of them) is the move away from communal living. Families and communities don’t come together to support, reassure, and support. People used to have other mothers and fathers to help them through job stress, kid stress, and relationship stress. We are all stuck in our own worlds with no one knowing our issues and no one to help us through them. People we can trust and love and run to are scarce these days. I know we left NY, but it was in hopes of finding that sense of community again.

    You know my issues with Emma. She’s always been more difficult for me to handle than Logan has. I always try to be a good mama and I think that in the end, she’ll be better for having had me as her mom. But… that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my weak moments. You’ve witnessed them first hand. You know how I can be. It’s not easy to admit, but lots of times – most of the time when she was younger – I don’t feel like a good parent. What you know and what you feel can be two different things when raising kids. You are normal. Your daughter is normal. And I love you both.

    As for you and Matt. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: I understand how hard it is. No relationship is perfect and mine is far from it. Lots of people have said horrible things about my parenting AND my marriage. Let them think what they want. I know what’s right for me and that’s what matters.

    And I’ll get those birth stories up for you just as soon as possible.

    • I’m thankful that I’ve had so much practice with everyone else’s kids- I learned a lot about myself before having Lily. I think I’m so patient now because I’ve dealt with worse 🙂 We’ve also decided that we aren’t going to use any physical punishment with Lily. That’s so different for me! Everyone I know has hit their kids…but you know, you never feel good after doing it. A lot of times it doesn’t even work! It’s pushed me to think outside of the box. I have to calm down and logically think of what’s best instead of swatting her. So far, it’s been working well. Lily doesn’t ever hit, either. Fingers crossed.

      I’m terrified to think of Lily as a teenager. I have no idea how to deal with a rebellious one! Obviously I don’t have any good examples to learn from. At least I know what not to do…ha.

      I know every relationship has it’s issues…you never really understand how much you need to work on a relationship until you’re in the midst of a permanent one! Matt and I have both changed over the years for the better, and I know we have a long way ahead of us.

      Thank you for being here for me, even if you’re like 8,000 miles away.

      Sent from my iPhone

      • Do things the way you feel best… that’s all you can be asked to do as a parent. Sometimes the best lessons are about what not to do.

        I can’t wait for the teenage years. I know they’ll be hard, but I think we’ll have a blast too. We are seriously considering homeschooling by then, so I think that’ll help.

        And of course I’m here for you – 🙂 Always will be.

      • I REALLY want to homeschool. I don’t want Lily to be socially stunted though. I know there are groups we could join…I’m not sure. I just feel like I was always bored in school and I don’t want Lily to be. I can teach her so much more! We probably will send her to a public school and I’ll help with the homework. I don’t think Matt is comfortable with homeschooling. We’ve got awhile left to think about it! I don’t want Lily going to preschool and learn about colors and numbers when she already knows them!

        Sent from my iPhone

      • Logan has been one of my major motivators for homeschool (although he doesn’t know it). He just doesn’t like traditional school. And why does he have to do it if he doesn’t like it? We tell our kids we all have to do things we don’t like to, but that’s not true. We may have to choose from two evils, but we are never FORCED to do anything. Not unless we are kidnapped against our will. So why not look at the other choices? I want him to feel successful and smart and like he’s doing well. I feel like he needs more than one teacher with twenty kids can give him and I don’t want him to feel his doing poorly is his fault. It’s no ones fault. But I can choose to take control and live an alternative… I think I might post a blog about it 🙂

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